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You know why i said i m ready for a kid??

Its not because i m scared not having one in future but this constant feeling that is eating me.
I may have scored the best than the rest of our group or in your friend circle. I may have had the better education than them. But I am a total failure than all. 

Even i have a wish to get a decent job with a decent pay. I wish to be in a quality work space. Not between some kitchen wives who jabber about nothing other than saas bahu drama and how horrible is married life. I want to be between quality people who enjoys life like our friends’ group does. Who makes me feel yes these are the people i want to be around or this is where i belong..

But no i always end up in garbage. I have realized its not gonna happen. i tried a lot to turn my luck. But no. i have worked hard; hard like anything to get those numbers on my marklist but alas they are mere numbers… And i am a big zero… 

Atleast i don’t want to be a even more giant failure buy wining over not having a baby.

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autobiographic bit, essay, Friends, Frienship, fun, inspirations, life, literature, memories, Nostalgia, personal, poetic, Quotes, Relations, romance, Thoughts, Uncategorized, wedding

A love letter 

Its funny that i wrote my first love letter to my husband after a year of our marriage. But thats is the best part of it. 

I got married on Jan 31st. But for me i got married on thr Christmas eve. Our’s was a.. um.. well arranged love marriage. Our family friends made us to meet and in just 3 or 4 days we decided to get married. In a month we were engaged and in 4 months we were married. 

Both of us have the same POV regarding relationship and it follows ” Lets not go around with dating and then getting to know and so on. Lets get married and then lets know each other.” For both of us it was like an adventure rollar coaster ride. Adrenaline and so much. 

So this love letter i wrote was not a surprise to him. But was full of surprises.

It goes like this

This is something that i wanted to tell you long back.How can you be sooooo charming and uuffffffffffff bloody hootttttt, making me want you all the time. You are like fire for me, the heat never leaves. Whenever i feel its going to be a show night i m excited to levels you can’t imagine. its like the first time.That adventure peak you took me on Christmas eve is still there. It feels like tht same night. For more than 500 days and nights its been the same, that thirst and desire is same.  The excitement is same from day one,Its still there.. i ll never get enough of you ever. You have grown in me like the root of a giant tree.It goes deeper in me day by day. I love you and desire you, each and every piece of you day after day… It’s like a thrill, an Excitement, an Adventure. Something that makes me do all kind of weird things.. wish for all weird things.  Simply you drive me crazy. YOU are irresistibly.My fox.I m yours only yours and i ll never ever get bored of you, because you are that spark that set whole of me, my whole world to fire.

autobiographic bit, College, essay, Friends, Frienship, fun, life, memories, Nostalgia, personal, prose, Relations, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Paralyzed Student………

i really wanna blog every day… but now i’m really busy….. now i know why most of my frnds don’t have time to call or mail me…. every one is busy with their life….

student life is the golden era of one’s life… no worries, no burden, no responsibility, nothing… juz full of fun….. most beautiful days… days filled with vibrant colors of life, energy, n lots of drama,…..

now i see all this in front of my eyes… but cant be one of them…. its like u see these moments but cant live it…. yup.. that’s the life of a college lecturer…..

lemme put it this way…. a lecturer is like a paralyzed student…. u see everything around u, u feel the vibes around u… but u cant live it…….

so yeah now I’M A PARALYZED STUDENT……….

essay, Friends, fun, inspirations, life, literature, memories, personal, Relations, romance, Short story, Thoughts, Uncategorized

The Unpleasant Truth (part 2)

May 25 2012. 10am

“I can’t die… I’m jux 25 and my Lil sis Jul is getting married next month and there’s so much to be done n said between Gary n me… Ooh dear…” There is nothing left to be said and done. That green line and the awkward beep sound tell it all. It’s over. But it jux don’t fit in. Why there is no white light to take me to heaven or why no ravens to take me to hell… I’m still here… Invisible too…

“Ooh I get it… There is some unfinished business… I can’t go without fulfilling it…That’s it…Jul’s wedding”. It’s my dream. After mom’s death I literally became her mom. Dad was going through a lot then.

Now the hospital people are taking me to the morgue. I’m still shocked… But how… I can’t even remember a thing… The last thing I remember is I’m congratulating Jul on her engagement with Adam.. What happened after that?   I’m hearing soft sobs behind me. Jul is crying on Adam’s shoulder and Sam is trying to console dad. Gary is making arrangements for relieving my body.  I heard dad telling Gary that I’ll be buried near my mom at St. Xavier church grounds.  God this is horrible… I can’t take this anymore….I ran out crying. Outside its rush time and people are walking through me. I cried aloud. But it was worthless. None of them heard me. I felt a pain in my heart.  I ran and ran and ran endlessly…crying… Wandering through the city. I’m lost….. Finally I found myself standing in front me the church. The one place where it’s all going to end.

I ran to the stairs leading to the church hall. But something stopped me. No… I can’t watch myself lying in a coffin all dressed up. At that moment there came the limousine and Gary stepped out. He’s carrying a bunch of white roses followed by Jumpie. He has a bunch of white lilies. Ooh he used to give me a white lily every morning. Freshly plucked from Gary’s garden without him noticing…

Sam came in her yellow beetle with a hand full of small bits of papers. The papers through with we passed on messages and gossips and evening party plans during office hours. Gary hated texting while in office. Those paper bits hold the whole essence of our friendship…  My heart is coming down into pieces. This is not right… This is unfair…   I saw those last bits of my memory being deposited in the coffin…

“Hei… Wait a minute. What on earth is Jul carrying..? No way…” Mom’s wedding gown??? But I gift wrapped it for Jul. “ Jul… why did u do this dear… I will never want to wear it… not in my funeral.” Gary is going to place those flowers in my hands. God this is even more painful… He knew about it… he knew about my crush…now I pulled him too to this mess.  When am I going to understand the meaning of d phrase “bad timing”…?

I slipped to the cemetery and stood at my mom’s tombstone. In a few moments I’ll be here near her. I saw the long garland I put on the tombstone a month back on her death anniversary. I tried to pick it up.”Damn… I’m dead…” my hands passed through it.

I turned and walked to the church hall. I’ve made my mind that I will take a last sneak peek at myself. As I walked I saw a man hurrying into the hall. I didn’t see his face but he was holding a lot of things in his hands.

I heard the priest saying prayers. They have started the funeral ceremony and the worst part is I don’t remember what happened to me. I stood there for a few minutes. With all my strength I stepped into the hall and sat at the last row. Now they have started to talk about me. Moments they shared with me. The laughter and tears , all of them ..

Finally it’s over and I walked besides my coffin and it struck me. My Goodness Jul is wearing a wedding ring. “What… she got married…?” Then I saw Gary with some girl and she’s wearing his mother’s ring. “What is going on…? Gary’s engaged and Jul’s married… then.. Why am I still here… I’ve nothing left to do…” then I saw it. “God what‘ve I done…!”

There at my coffin stood the most unexpected man… Gary’s Cousin Daniel. My childhood friend

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The Unpleasant Truth (part 1)

May 25 2012:-

The day began as usual. I’m driving ma car beyond the city limit. Cops will follow me in any sec; before it happens I pulled up at Barry’s for ma usual coffee n burger. I’m late for my office and if I don’t make it by 5 minutes Gary is going to kill me. Ooh Gary is my boss and I’m his personal assistant. I pulled out saying good morning to old Barry and in 5 minutes I found myself parking my car at the parking lot near to Gary’s Porsche’s place.

I rushed to the elevator which was about to close. I screamed,” Hold it…” I got in and got out the 12th floor. I’m totally surprised coz I ‘m rushing to be here on time and looks like half the office is on leave. “What’s with all…????”. Any ways I went to my desk. “Oohh God…Not this…”it’s as I left it 2 weeks back when I was called for an emergency by my lil sister. I arranged my desk and looked at Gary’s log and he’s going to have a hell of the day. 3 meetings with international companies and a court hearing and to top it off he have to fly again to Rio for signing the contract of his new Mansion there. A man of 29 to gain this success….. Pretty impressive… yeah I’m head over heels in love with him and the whole office knows it except him… Well it’s my job to make sure he reaches everywhere on time. I scheduled it and there he is coming rushing to the office followed by Jumpie. Jumpie is his driver/bodyguard.

Looks like he is in a bad mood… I stood up and said Good morning. He barely heard it. He suddenly stopped and looked back at me. I’m stunned and he Signed and got to his office. I followed him but he barely noticed. Something seems odd. Since I got her, everyone is so not here, there is something wrong. He is not talking to me; also he didn’t hand over his coat to me. Suddenly Sandy came in and he’s asking about the schedule to her. He is acting as if I’m not there. I went out and took the documents which needed his sign immediately. But as I try to take it, it slipped and God knows how I started bleeding, bleeding like hell and I can’t find a handkerchief. Suddenly Jumpie came in and announced that its time to go for the hospital. “Someone is sick…???? It got to be someone special or else why the whole office is shutting down for the evening…” then I noticed God everyone is in mourning except me… “You bloody Sam; u didn’t text me about this”.

Samantha a.k.a Sam is my office buddy. She didn’t show up here today too. I grabbed my bag and went with others. Gary have arranged for a shuttle service. I got in it and it pulled up at the city hospital. We went in. Then I saw there’s Sam standing and she’s crying. Ooh God who is it…

It’s the devastating moment in my life… there in the hospital bed is where I lie. “God what’s this… How is this… what’s happening”. I run in there and stood in front of them but no one seeing me and there is this priest who’s saying prayer and what are they doing… ooh God that’s the reason for the bleeding… I’m dying. The doctor is coming “hei… hello I’m here… please someone.. Get me back to my body… I’m alive… don’t do anything stupid… No… no… No… don’t pull the pipe… I’ll die… don’t…” but the doctor pulled it… and the end… I closed my eyes and nothing happened…