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You know why i said i m ready for a kid??

Its not because i m scared not having one in future but this constant feeling that is eating me.
I may have scored the best than the rest of our group or in your friend circle. I may have had the better education than them. But I am a total failure than all. 

Even i have a wish to get a decent job with a decent pay. I wish to be in a quality work space. Not between some kitchen wives who jabber about nothing other than saas bahu drama and how horrible is married life. I want to be between quality people who enjoys life like our friends’ group does. Who makes me feel yes these are the people i want to be around or this is where i belong..

But no i always end up in garbage. I have realized its not gonna happen. i tried a lot to turn my luck. But no. i have worked hard; hard like anything to get those numbers on my marklist but alas they are mere numbers… And i am a big zero… 

Atleast i don’t want to be a even more giant failure buy wining over not having a baby.

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A love letterĀ 

Its funny that i wrote my first love letter to my husband after a year of our marriage. But thats is the best part of it. 

I got married on Jan 31st. But for me i got married on thr Christmas eve. Our’s was a.. um.. well arranged love marriage. Our family friends made us to meet and in just 3 or 4 days we decided to get married. In a month we were engaged and in 4 months we were married. 

Both of us have the same POV regarding relationship and it follows ” Lets not go around with dating and then getting to know and so on. Lets get married and then lets know each other.” For both of us it was like an adventure rollar coaster ride. Adrenaline and so much. 

So this love letter i wrote was not a surprise to him. But was full of surprises.

It goes like this

This is something that i wanted to tell you long back.How can you be sooooo charming and uuffffffffffff bloody hootttttt, making me want you all the time. You are like fire for me, the heat never leaves. Whenever i feel its going to be a show night i m excited to levels you can’t imagine. its like the first time.That adventure peak you took me on Christmas eve is still there. It feels like tht same night. For more than 500 days and nights its been the same, that thirst and desire is same.  The excitement is same from day one,Its still there.. i ll never get enough of you ever. You have grown in me like the root of a giant tree.It goes deeper in me day by day. I love you and desire you, each and every piece of you day after day… It’s like a thrill, an Excitement, an Adventure. Something that makes me do all kind of weird things.. wish for all weird things.  Simply you drive me crazy. YOU are irresistibly.My fox.I m yours only yours and i ll never ever get bored of you, because you are that spark that set whole of me, my whole world to fire.

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Nirjeeva Parinaaman

vellamadichu naalukaalil nilkunna doctor

enne nokki ilichu,

“konnatho chathato…. ”

onnu koodi nannai aadi ulanju,

aa bheekara kodali eduthu!!

ente netti noki oru vettu….

nirjeeva rakthavum pottiya thalayoodum…..

ganapathiku muttarutha pole…

randu kashnangal….

ente thalachor eduthu…

chuvannu thalarna kannukal kondu oru inspection….

“ummm thaalachorinnu kshatham onnu illa….”

veendum oru emandan kathi eduthu….

ente kazhutharathu……

avidannu nere neenda oru dissection..

ente aadhya spandanathinu vazhi thanna

pokkil kodi bandathinte baaki pathram vare

neenda dissection…

nadu keeriya chaka pole..

polinju kidakkunu njan!!!!

aa virakkuna kaikal

ente changum, karalum, aamashayavum puratheduthu…

ellathinem onnu adimudi nooki…..

“ooohhh kolllalo…

ellam full conditionil thanna!!!!”

veendum aa kathi eduth needa oru vettu vetti!!!

manushya janmathinte pavithra sthanam…

ente garbhapathram…

“ithu puthan putiyatha!!!

jeevan mulakan ulla vayasu ithinaayitila”

“ithu chathatha!!!

konnathonnum alla…

veruthe samayam kalayan oruthanmar”

kayil kittya avayavangal

kanni kanda stalathu kuthti ketti..

evide ninno ozhukunna nirjeeva rakthahte

panji kondu thadanju….

kuthi keetiya avayavangale thunni ketti

oru vidham karyam theerthu doctor..

naalu kaalil doctor

Post-mortem hallil ninnu poi….

thunni kettiya enne kondupokkan vanvar jhetti…

pidakkuna changu aporath trayil

chudu chora niranja pidakkuna changu……

pinne njan marichathengane……

purathe varandhayil…

nenju potti alarunna sabdam….

parichithamaya aa aan sabdam…

chithaku thee kolithiyapolum kelkkamayirunnu….

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I woke up…
Alarm crying as usual
Walked to bathroom
Didnt look at the mirror

There was a curve on my lips
An upper curve…

Days passed….
The curve…
Turned upside down…..

I stare at the mirror,
With toothbrush and
An opened pipe….
Not knowing wat to do….
Wat to think….
Where to go…..

To bring back…..
The upper curve…..